There i stood, in a room of people i didn’t know. i waited alone surrounded by faces i recognised but names i didn’t know. Late in the Afternoon meant it was cold, even indoors it was cold. the heating is off… again i thought. it didn’t make life easier when the room i stood in was large. the little heat that existed was being spread across.
I rubbed my hands together in an effort to get warm, but no avail. it wasn’t deathly cold, just at the level of notice if you remained stagnant for too long. i’d been waiting for nearly 20 minutes. my friends had gotten an earlier bus, i was left alone, i preferred lonesome compared to sitting with a 6-foot fedora wearing twat.
Better than the LRC… i told myself. i gave a small chuckle under my breath, i was amused at the thought of Fedora Man sitting alone upstairs. he deserves it to be honest… i thought again.
A group of students came through the door, they cleverly wore thicker clothing compared to myself. Thick jackets and scarves were a clever option as i only wore the typical red jacket and black and white scarf my eyes followed them as they walked past. none of them i knew, their faces still rang a bell Friends of Friends… i answered as they headed up the stairs.
I began to think of faces i wanted to see, people who i wanted to be around during pain in the arse cold and alone situations as this. I doubt he will come down… i sighed and put my hands in my pockets. the face i wanted to see was clear in my mind, this face i knew the name. i know that name alright. 4 fucking years i’ve seen it nearly daily. my mind felt pleasant when i imagined the perfect face. it smiled at me and laughed slightly as a imagined it. my head played a video of him coming down the stairs and saying Hey to me. even a simple greeting was good enough to make me get as excited as a kid in a candy store or more relevant me in a Shop which sold Pokemon Cards.
My mind threw me back into the real world. the face faded but the laugh seemed to stay. i looked around, nobody seemed to be laughing not even a chuckle. Its… Its him… my head exploded, the laugh was clear as day in my head, the beauty of the voice was unequaled. it grew louder and louder. I heard feet on the Stairs, they were coming down towards me. OMG. My eyes were blessed with the face my mind showed me. the face in my head was perfect, but not as perfect as the face which was coming down. as he made his way down the stairs he looked around.
Our eyes met.
My face seemed crippled by his looks, he glared at me with his eyes. i tried to smile but i just… couldn’t. come on, fucking smile! my mind cried, at long last i cracked a half smile. his face shone a shade of disappointment for a moment and looked away. if there was a moment in my life when my heart was physically ripped out and teared in two then savagely eaten before my eyes that was the moment. the cold did not matter. the people who surrounded me seemed to fade away as my mind was set ablaze. the fury was transformed into painful moment of upset. he looked again when he reached the foot of the stairs, he looked longer than last time. i was too heart broken to even smile or even show anything other than a frown. like last time he had a flicker of disappointment in his face as he looked away. as he turned his back to leave i watched him leave, i was broken and crippled. my legs could have collapsed under my feet but only i was reminded of the people surrounding me.
My head was both crying and angry. Why should i waste my life following someone who doesn’t care… i thought. another side of my head screamed back Because i love him. both sides waged war across each other, sadly for my emotions the Anger was winning. it slowly ate away at the Love and consumed it whole. a pure hatred was born.
Thats it. i am not doing this shit any longer. he could go fuck himself. He knows how i feel about him yet he doesn’t have the balls to say anything… i shed a tear in the fury, i quickly searched for a distraction to save me. the threat of crying was just too much. i slowly calmed down from crying but the anger was still eating away at me. How could he do this to me. i have loved him for 4 fucking years of my life.
I stood for 5 minutes battling away the tears, however i slowly calmed. I looked around, i could see people i knew, but only distantly. people i met once, people who i talked to with my closer friends but never pursued a friendship. it mattered not who they were.
I remained stood alone for a time.
To my amazement i heard a familiar voice. What… is Life TRYING to torture me? it seemed Life was punishing me rather than rewarding me for my 4-year love. the perfect face came back in. a light grew inside me, the anger had consumed my love for him but it was fighting… fighting from within.
It grew bigger as he drew closer. He smiled at me Alright he said, his smile was wide and showed his perfect teeth. I died.
I smiled back Hey! it couldn’t have gone better. his smile was so perfect. it nearly brought me to tears after he walked past. never before have i been able to stop smiling. my jaws were in agony after 10 minutes of none stop smiling.
Life has tortured me for 4 years of my life. but after that one moment of pure happiness, i’d go through it again happily.